The One

When I saw you at the

drugstore

and you looked

at me twice

I knew we'd be

together and

I knew you'd

be nice

You tried not to

fall and I

tried not to catch

you but you

fell anyway

and I knew

she would let

you

So I tried to stay

cool and not

give it away that

I wanted you 

more
each and
every day

But I know

now it was

wrong and we

held on too long

me wanting more

and you only
wanting to end
the war

And in spite of the

fighting, in spite

of the truth, we held on
together and
we held on
for us and
I wished for a song
something to
believe in and
something to be strong

But she couldn't let go

and neither could I

I guess in the long

run

it was her or I

So, I gave up my heart

and I gave up

my dream

of you and I together

it was not what it seemed

and I remembered

when I met you

that day in

the drugstore,

I knew

I would love you

I knew I 

couldn't let go.....

Too Good To Be True

Too good to be true

is the way I felt

about you

everyday a

dream come true

somehow

you were enchanting

and romantic and

it was

all new

I could not

resist

you

And, it was the

best I ever had

your kisses so

sweet, so soft 

made me

so glad

your arms

that loved me

protecting us from

the storm, holding on

while the world

fell around us

we were

re-born

Too good to be true

and everyday

that I loved you

I knew it

was just a 

dream come true

and tried not to

think of 

the ending it

would come to

And then I saw

you

struggling with 

what you heard and

what you knew

and then just as 

sure as we were 

our love was true

it was over 

for me and you

too good to be true

is the way 

I felt about you

but I didn't stop

loving you

no

I never stopped

loving you

Third Time Charmer

Something about the first time

and being it was

mind blowing and

crushing me

as my heart sank 

well I never

saw the 

second time

coming

it was then,

after the first time, that I

decided not

to play that

game

while I was trying

not to cry

as each day

dragged slowly by

so dumb I was 

thinking you were

coming back 

and when you

did, I tried

I tried to

get out of

my head

But when the second time

came rolling through

your heart

being so untrue

and me 

falling down

once again

not knowing if

I would ever get up

again

I cried until

my tears were

dry 

then you showed

up, the second time

 at my door

that was when

And now, I carry

my heart

as it is so

heavy because they

say

the third time

is a charm

now, after

you said goodbye

what am I

what am I

what am I

I'm the

third time

charmer

broken down

and feelin'

like I could

die....

Breakin' Me Down

Breakin' me down each day

makin' me not want to play

this game

Don't want to see your eyes

just want you to realize

could be misconstrued

might mistake

wanting me

then you would

be the fool

Now - here we are

once again

and I see you telling me

something I already 

knew then

there is no place 

I'd rather be

breakin' me down each day

makin' it hard

makin' it hard

just to be

me...

January 2013

Unfair

he stood there 

as if to say,

I'm in no way 

into you

I tried to ignore it

wondering what I 

ever saw in him

but knew that

was wrong

as I approached 

I grabbed his hand

he pulled away and

jerked around

"Hey", he said

as if he never wanted

me to touch him again

"Don't" he said

and I walked past him

pretending not to care

and then I felt him

from behind as he

grabbed me

His arms circled my waist

as I tried to resist

"you," he said as if

I were someone else

and then he kissed me

like he had before

so many times

and it was just as 

it had been always

his mouth on mine

he whispered

"I love you"

I knew then as I know now

pretending that you don't

care, was protecting our

souls from a love

that was so unfair

it was our secret

it would always be our secret

January 2014

3 - Weight

She reached into her pocket for a quarter. Ahh, there were two, almost enough to get a soda at the machine. But she discovered when she reached in, that her pocket was loose, not tight against her stomach as had always been in the past. Now, it was loose and she shook it around. Could it be she had lost weight? Enough to make her pocket flop?

Liz was on her lunch. Mostly, she never had lunch there, hating every minute she had to be there, she would go anywhere to get away and then buy some fast food and eat in her car. As she headed back to her office to get her purse to leave, she ran into Ramiro.

"Having lunch?" he asked.

"I am," she said in passing him.

"Have a good lunch!"

"I will!" But she only said it because she was trying to be nice. Somehow Ramiro always seemed to find her and she had to be pleasant to him because he was so nice. It's not that she was avoiding him. She just was not interested. Not interested in anyone or anything.

Thanksgiving had come and went. Liz had spent her's alone. Her two son's spent their Thanksgiving with their wives' families. She stayed home, watched some television and then fell asleep. She never even cooked.

Christmas was coming up. Ugh, the dreaded Christmas Party. Something she would have to do. There would be no way to get out of this one. Not this year. Everyone would be there and she needed to show that she was involved. It wasn't that she didn't like anyone. They were perfectly fine people. She was just done with her job. It was a good job, good enough place to work. It was just that she didn't see any future there and that went into all of her life. No future.

After work, Liz stopped by the store and tried on a couple pairs of pants. Sure enough, she had gone down a size. She celebrated by buying a new blouse too. The next day at work she wore her new stuff and actually felt good about it. One of her co-workers noticed too and complimented her on her new blouse. She felt just a tinge of good about it.

But, in her inbox was the dreaded Christmas Party Invite. She opened it with some trepidation. Dinner and Games.... at an adult game venue. She thought about that. Yes! The only thing good about that would be the games! She loved playing arcade games and video games! This would be fun! Now, you might wonder why Liz would enjoy these games... Her boys had taught her how to play these games a very long time ago and ever since then, she did enjoy them. She could actually see herself having fun here. Well, as much fun as she could.

2 - Getting to Know Ya'

Liz realized a long time ago that she was no catch. Her hair was too long, didn't trust any place that cuts hair. Somehow, they always got it wrong. She was overweight. But she thought the reason she had gained weight was to make herself unattractive to men. Which is probably closer to the truth. She had her share of failed relationships. I mean, what guy wants that, a big fat girl, whose hair looked like shit and she didn't give a shit about anything. Anything. She, basically had given up on herself and on anyone else. Men were just a problem for her, one that she would rather not deal with therefore didn't need in her life.

"So", he said with authority, " what do you think about Obama? I mean, I think it sucks that he says he's going to make changes because everyone knows that ain't gonna happen!" He was walking down the hallway, behind Liz, and looking straight at her.

"Oh, you're talking to me? Well, at least he's talking about making changes. That's better then Mit. By the way," she chuckled, " Mit. What kind of name is that?" She had stopped and was looking straight at him.

"Oh yeah, make fun," he said, as he walked up to her. "We'll have to continue this debate, but I can tell you, Romney's gonna' win..."

"Oh," she spit like a moter boat, " that's not ever gonna' happen!" And she laughed outloud like as if to laugh in his face at his stupidity. He walked past her and smiled.

It was like that every day, until the elections. Ramiro would seek her out and just pounce on her with some political diatribe that she thought was so right, he had to be a Republican. But that was okay because it seemed to be all in fun. He never got mad and he laughed at her and with her and it had been so long that any man, any guy had even looked at her, she was actually glad that he cared enough to talk to her. Even though she did not give a shit, she wasn't dead. She did like conversation and did appreciate when someone took the time.

By the end of the next two weeks their debate had become the "office debate". Everyone had heard them in the halls and now everyone else was talking about who would win and who was better. They all seemed to take up sides. And then it was over. Obama won. Everyone shut up. Back to the way it was, with no one talking to each other and for sure, not a single person talking about politics, where before, if you even mentioned something political it was sure to cause a fight. All quiet on the Western Front.

"Do you have a picture of yourself?" he said as he walked into her office. She was sitting at her desk.

"Huh?"

"Yeah, I don't know what I'm thinking...." he turned around and started back out. " I just need a picture, maybe when you were younger." And then as an afterthought, " never mind, if my wife saw it...  I don't know what's wrong with me! I'm having day dreams about fifty year old women.."  his voice dropped off as he headed down the hall.

Liz sat there for a moment, taking in what he had just said. Then she laughed out loud knowing that it was just all a joke and he was just humoring her. After all, Ramiro had to only be in his early thirties. Could not even remotely be interested in her. Not in the least bit. Not ever.

Chapter 1 Or is it??

It was September, or thereabouts. All the end of summer stuff was coming to a close. Soon, Thanksgiving and Christmas would be right around the corner. She couldn't wait for it to be over. Another crummy year with nothing getting any better. Time took it's toll on her. She was not getting any younger and had saved herself for what? Two failed marriages and being out of shape and in her mind, not attractive enough for any man. It was all down hill for her. She never even thought about another man nor even wanted one. She thought of herself as retiring and being alone. Thank God.

Friday. Time to get along. Time to go. Time to plan for the weekend. No time for this or that. She couldn't wait to leave her job and go home. At least at home she could hide. No one to make her do things. No one to try to get along with, compromise with. No phones ringing. Ahhh, quiet and peace. There was nothing missing. Just time. All the time, time missing. When could she quit. When would it be over. She would need to plod through a few more years. All miserable years, she thought.

When she bumped into him he was walking backwards, she was watching her feet as they looked rather large in those boots she just got. Wham! She plowed her tooth into his shoulder.

"Ouch", she rubbed her cheek and tried to pretend it didn't hurt at the same time.
"Oh sorry, I didn't see you, are you okay?"
"I think I bit your shoulder, but yeah, I'm okay."
He chuckled and put out his hand.
"I'm Ramiro."
"Liz", she said, grabbing his hand.
"Nice to meet ya'! Maybe we'll bump into each other again sometime.."

That was it. That was the day that everything changed. Well, not that day, but every subsequent day after became something, which she didn't even know how or why or what and the least of it was that... well, I'll tell you later.... much later.

5:0' Clock and she was out the door. Let me out of here, this shit hole. Ugh, she said to herself. As soon as she got home, she turned on the television, wrapped herself up in a blanket and fell asleep on the couch. It was morning before she finally took off her work clothes.