Crashing

I'm crashing,
not that kind, the kind where you know
it's done
it's down to the
difference between
him or me and
whose going to
hurt more,
whose going to
give in
I don't even know
where to go
from here

I'm crashing,
each day gets harder
to live and
I wake with
 dread, an
awful feeling that
I might die today
tomorrow or
right in his arms
if I'm ever there
again

I'm crashing
and trying not to cave
into my runaway
emotions
that have a
stranglehold
on my heart and
a noose
around my soul

I gulp another sip
of something that
helps me not feel
or think or
even want to
want you
not ever
not tomorrow
not now
not until after the
end of time

I'm crashing and
one of these days
one these weeks
pretty soon
I will have a reason
to let go
and stop loving
and wanting
you so

desperately I fill
my mind with so
much shit that I
don't
know where I am
from day to day
week to week
and I'm thinking
......


if I loved you any less
would you then
have loved me more?

I'm just frickin' crashing


December 2013