Untitled

He put the surfboard in the back of his truck and took off.

He was stoked because he heard that there would be off-shore winds and about six to eight foot waves.

That would be just about perfect in his mind.

It was 4:30 a.m, and still dark.

When he got there, the ocean was like glass, he was a little disappointed. Sun was just peaking over the horizon. He watched and waited for the next set.

There it was... the beauty of the ocean, kicking in some off-shore winds, slight spray at the top of the wave, causing it to break just right.....

It was like looking at Rincon.

He watched a few more sets and then, he paddled out. No wet suit needed today. It was a warm 65.

Out there, on the crust, waiting on the back of his board, he closed his eyes...

Not a single soul was there.... yet.

And it was so quiet he could hear the waves building behind him. It was awesome.

He opened his eyes just in time to see the swell, it was bigger then he thought, rushing up behind him.

All he wanted to do was try to catch a little shoulder....

As he did, he dropped in and took off. He turned and got inside a little...awesome ride

As he came out, the waved bottomed so he baled ...

Good ride, he thought as he paddled back out.  Need about 25 more like this today before I even think about leaving.......


This was the only time he could clear his head, being one with the ocean was something explainable.

It would be about noon before he was done. He threw his board in the back of his truck and drove home.

There wouldn't be much to say when he got home. He was spent and he was in the zone.

He had left his cell phone on the kitchen counter, and it was blowing up.

"No," he said out loud. "You're not ruining my day today!"

He picked up the cell phone and dialed a number.

Hi

Hi, whatcha' doing?

Waiting for you. You need to come over here, right now....

Then, he turned his cell phone off. He went to take a shower and before he was done she was climbing in the shower with him.

Where's Sara? she asked him as she climbed in.

Sara? Sara who?  I don't care about her. Don't want to hear her name, not again. Don't bring her up and spoil this...

Sorry, she said. When they were done, he decided to tell her what happened. Sara had cheated on him. There would be no more Sara. She had been calling him non-stop since his best friend told him.

Besides, why would you care if I was still with Sara, don't you want me for yourself??

Of course, she said, embarrassed. She wanted him more then anything. But not like this. Not on the rebound.

Look, you're awesome and I really like you...

Oh yeah, he laughed and put his hand on her neck.

Yes, she laughed...but I don't want you like this...

Why? Don't you think I care about you?

No, I know you do. I just think there should be some time between Sara and I....

Seriously?

yes

Then do what you gotta do...

She got up and looked at him. You know, I'll be back.

Whatever you say...

she waved at him as she turned to go out the door.

he looked troubled

He went back to his cell phone and turned it on. There she was calling him again.

"Sara, stop calling me. It's not going to do you any good." And he hung up.




May 24, 2013.

The Love Trap

I'm in a love trap....

Anyone know what that is? It's like being half way

between here __________  and _________________ there,  ya' get me?

I'm mean, I'm not here anymore and that's a really good thing

But I'm not quite there yet, ya' know what I mean?

It's like having the chocolate shake with the whip cream and cherry

And you slurp up the chocolate, hmmm and it's good, no, it's really good, don't get me wrong, but you find

that  you haven't nor will

you now or until you reach there, will you get to touch or better yet, get to taste 

that whip cream and cherry.... damn...sort of a let down; BUT NOT REALLY! You had the chocolate

shake, FREAK!

It's like being between "okay" and "really good" to being "soooooo good" to

being, "ahhhh, sooo sooo sooo sooo good" , pardon me while I breath....(clearing throat)

That's a love trap. 

There's this beginning where ummm, things are kind of up in the air,

yeah, you see, it's the here or the beginning

Then there's the half way mark, well, half way or so,

and things are really good!  I really like being in the love trap! I like being here, half way.  I haven't had

better days EVER! I can honestly say that.

I'm soooooo excited to see what comes my way...

I mean, love is awesome and powerful and makes you do great things,

but it could also make you do stupid things...but we won't go into that.

Today, we are in the zone.... the love trap zone....

Nothing can go wrong, right? Right?

I get that you're not as excited as I am...well, you gotta be there to be excited...

I mean, things can goooo wrong. I mean, something could happen; change of heart, change of mind, change

of something.....NAW, but not likely!!  Not now, not when we're like

 not here ________________but here, love trapped!

When you're in this love trap, you've been there awhile, and at this point, you're kinda' trapped there.

I mean, they got you. They got your mind. They got your spirit. They got your soul. Pretty much,

they got your body. What's left?

I'm not complaining. Far be it for me to complain, when I got mine, got him, got somethin'.....

What else is there?

But I do want to get there. Just not sure how long it takes to get there. But, kind of like being here.

I'm always motivated. I've always got the love-bug biting me... oh that's something else entirely....

So, I think I'm really okay. In fact, I'm not just okay I'm loving every single second that I am in

this love trap. Really!!!!

Ya' get me?



May 23, 2013

Love Music

He was going to miss her, even if he didn't want to

he tried not to think of her but she kept popping into his head

Was it her smile, her crazy mischievous smile that seemed to just grab at his soul

Was it the twinkle in her eyes, that danced all over his face

Damn, Stop!

he was driving home.  Didn't need this distraction.  Music playing on the radio...

The "love music" she called it

He chuckled.

Love....... something he hadn't had in a long time.

Real, real love. It was a scarce commodity.

Meeting someone that you were attracted to was easy

but staying in that cool, romantic, loving place was hard

But her, she seemed to find that place in his mind...

The love music drifting along the air....


"God bless you
You made me feel brand new
For God bless me with you
You made me feel brand new
I sing this song for you"

So that's what it  had come to...

he pulled into the driveway..

He would have to call her, tell her something, anything.

maybe this time he would confess

maybe this time he would ask her to coffee or to dinner

where he could just stare at her as she made him feel , really feel...

He walked into the house. All was quiet. He looked at his phone, 

put it down and sat on the couch, 

laying his head back he closed his eyes...

she would be there, still waiting...

he had no doubts about the way he felt

or about the way she felt

it was all worth waiting for....

and somewhere he could hear the "love music" playing....

and that's what it had come to....




May 22, 2013

A Complication

She knew at that moment that it was hopeless

it was just that ever so slight, little slip that let her know

he was taken.

her heart sunk as she tried to make sense of it all

but her mind was jumbled, nothing was coming together

he was talking to her and she couldn't hear him

Then she stood up and announced , "I'm going to faint".

the regurgitated food had already made it's way to her throat

she gagged and then she felt the world spin

NO, she screamed in her mind

don't let this be happening to me

she struggled to keep her balance and not throw up

her thoughts racing, how could I not know this??

She tried to go back and remember little things

clues or stories; anything that he said that would give her

some indication that he was  ......

and before she knew it, tears had come and slowly made

their way down her cheeks

I'm a real mess, she said out loud.

But he was confused..

What's wrong? he asked

Her words were like puzzles all jumbled up coming out of her mouth

I need to go now. I need to go, I need liquor. I need to find

somewhere to get drunk, she said.

She tried to control her feelings that seemed to erupt like a volcano all over the place.

Why? Why get drunk? What's wrong? What happened?

She couldn't even answer him.

She just knew that he had not told her and made her think,

made her feel , made her want , made her believe that he wanted

her too

She bent over and put her face in her hands and cried like a baby

He tried to comfort her, but she brushed him away.

"Go", she said, "go to her...please".....she caught her breath...

"You're  pathetic and a liar and

you made me think that we had something and and and...."

She stood up.

And, I'm done. Go find someone else who will love you and cherish you and

sleep with you and give you all of their everything and then find out that

this whole time you were sleeping with .....

Go! she screamed.

He got up from the bench and couldn't even look at her.

she sat back down and cried like she never had cried before

she cried for every passionate kiss they ever had

and everything that she had given him

she cried so hard she fell onto the grass and laid

with the bugs and cried out loud, staring at the sky

while the tears ran down her face and watered the dry ground

when she was done it was dark

she would walk home and then she would pick up the phone

and ask him to come back. And he would.

And she would cry again, in his arms

because love is not simple it's complicated....

And even though it seemed they had come to an understanding

he would leave her once again.

and it would be the way it was....



May 20, 2013

Lessons

It's a good thing to be able to still be learning stuff..

I mean, if you ain't learning, well, you ain't  growing, right?

Well, good thing I've learned some pretty hard lessons throughout 

my life which has helped me grow immensely.


Some, I wish I didn't have to learn...

like being arrested when I was 18 for being Under the Influence 

  .. .  oh and JAIL IS NOT FUN!

(contrary to what others would have you believe)


That lesson didn't need to be learned,  since I never really

drank before. I had gone to a friend's wedding.  They had some 

cute little dixie cups filled with champagne...Tasted like Kool-

Aid to me!   Well.... how was I to know that I would get so 

drunk, I'd be throwing up all the next day...ugh, NEVER, NEVER

AGAIN!

(And getting your parents to drive to San Diego to get you out of jail... put that on your list, if you're still alive after that; NEVER HAVE TO CALL YOUR PARENTS TO GET YOU OUT OF JAIL!)

See, that's what I'm talking about...

Now that was a LESSON, right ! 



So, I'm still learnin'. I mean, the lessons I'm learning now are 

a little more tame. Now it's all about relationships and 

friendships. I like that. It's not so traumatizing. Don't even 

like that word.



Something I learned recently is about friendships.  I'm lucky I

learned this in time. Having friends and keeping

them is like having a community chest full of money. Friends just

keep giving. They love you and support you. They comfort you. 

Without my friends, I wouldn't be doing this today. So for those

of you who know who you are, thank you for being there. You are

my inspiration! 


See, some lessons we learn seem harsh and sudden. While others

kind of sneak up on you. Nonetheless, they are lessons and we 

have to be ready for them and willing to learn. Otherwise, you'll 

be repeating that shit, and you won't like it the second, third 

and forth time....

too late

It's late. I really should be asleep. You know, another busy day tomorrow. 

I keep thinking about what I could have done, should have done, could not have done , didn't do and what I did. Oh, please, let's not talk about it. 

Sometimes we do dumb stuff. It happens. I can't take it back. I meant it what I said. And, it still hurts today. Feelings and mistakes getting in the way of friendships and complicated crap creeping it's way into my simple life. 

I did apologize. But what he doesn't know is I cried. Well, why the hell not.

It was just a small thing. Keeps on pushing it's way back into my mind. Why do I have to be so stupid sometimes. I want it to go away. 

It won't.


April 2013