I'm Done

I'm done, seems like I've been here before

like two years ago, 

when my heart felt the blows

 I longed for you, but 

you said we were done

and I hung on 'til

I thought I had won

I'm really done, this time.

then I get sucked back in 

on just a whim of a word

crack of your smile

your laugh and I'm

there, sucked in

with a promise

to stay awhile

But then it never

comes to be

that time when we

were just we

when we were so close

came a promise and a joke

I'm not sure what it was

what ever the dream was

why I saw something

or thought it was something

when all it was

was free

a little bit of heaven

was what it was to be

I'm done. I've been here before

I've heard that knocking

on my door

but my heart doesn't want to go

holds me back, 

I don't know what for

Tears upon me, now

I'm done with this 

for real

pretend there never was

this deal, 

and heart can let me go

this hurt this love this man

surreal

for real... 

It's over. I'm done.

March  2016

Finally, it's about time...

So you think you've finally fallen in love. Forget that you never ever thought you could have ever gotten here. Yet here you are. Yes, you are finally where you have wanted to be forever, where you should be. It feels right. It feels like home. 

Remember, a short time ago you were alone, like destiny. Dating did not seem possible anymore. How many men do you have to meet to find the "one"? Maybe 100, 200? It wasn't fun anymore. Things weren't jelling. They seemed like just wrong. Or maybe it was you that was wrong.

It was tiresome and monotonous and torcherous. You gave up. And you took the attitude that maybe one day it would happen, but maybe not. 

So you kept to yourself, making the best of what you had. You let yourself go a little. Ah, who cares anyway. 

And then one day, this guy walks into your life. He just saunters in like he owns the place! At first you didn't notice and could care less. There were many reasons but let's face it, he just wasn't the guy you were looking for and there were no sparks, no pizzaz. He wasn't the one either, you had come to that conclusion early on.

And for some ungodly reason, he wants to talk to you. But you just were polite. He catches you in the most inopportune times. But you know he's just being nice. He seems kind. He is sweet and the most important thing, he makes you laugh. You start to see this guy in a whole other light. 

Time passes. Now, not only do you look forward to seeing him, but you have started to take better care of yourself. Eat less, exercise more, that sort of thing.

After awhile you felt your walls start to come down and he teases you about maybe going for "this big hunk of a man" you start to consider what he's saying. And what is he saying, exactly? 

And after he chases you, tells you how lovely you look 100 thousand times and a whole bunch of other things that make you believe that maybe... maybe... this could be something..


And then one day, it happens. How it happened is not important. That first kiss, that first touch was so divine that you never wanted it to end. And it seemed the same with him. Being with him was something you might imagine as being in heaven.  You felt his passion and his love pour down upon you. And you never wanted it to end.

Months of stealing kisses and looking forward to seeing each other occupied your mind. You couldn't wait for the talks about the future, the plans, and most of all more time with him.

And then a funny thing happened, he had something to tell you, something you might not like, but he, your lover, your best friend needed to tell you so that you might understand better. You know, like where he's coming from. So he starts to tell you that he had somebody else but was unhappy. He wasn't complaining, he just felt it fair you knew. And so with sadness in your heart, you and he decide not to see each other for awhile. And your heart begins to break.

A month passes and he tells you he needs to figure some things out. You know what he means. Two months, three and then he says he can't see you because you are too much of a temptation. Even more time passes. 

But then one day he comes to you, needing a shoulder to cry on. And you hold each other and one thing leads to another. He's sorry. You cry. And you seem to be trying to bridge this hurdle. 

But each day that passes, every hour of every day, you know what you did may have seemed wrong, but it was right. You never meant to hurt anyone. You also realize that you may never get to be with the one you love ever again. And, you contemplate giving up on this man who stole your heart and made you believe again. 

Then occasionally there are only stolen moments which makes you think he still cares and he really does love you. 

It's been almost two years. You realize that this might be a series of bad decisions. Yet, you never gave up on love, the one thing that has held you up and given you strength. Maybe he wasn't perfect but it doesn't matter. He was everything to you. And you, finally, completely, whole heartedly, undauntingly, unabashedly and with all your heart, fell in love. It was the most beautiful feeling ever. Ever. And given the choice of not ever experiencing this or having him in your life, you know you would not change anything, not for a million dollars. A million dollars. You were lucky to have finally fallen in love again; your heart soared, your soul came alive and you were touched by something not everyone gets to have. 

The memories you will always have. The feeling, you will never forget and the love that will remain and once again after time has passed,  you will ask yourself, "Will I ever fall in love again?" 





February 2016

lover's lament

we are like two alone
who walk in the night
I can't be afraid, even
if your not with me
I know that it's coming
like the dawn at first light

I have no where to go but
back to you even when
it's dark and cold
the rain pouring down
upon my treacherous soul
my ship lights the sea
but off into the distance
I can just barely see
the breath of another
he is calling to me

we have not spoken
but I hear a gentle voice
whispering my name
even when I beg and
have no choice
it is the bleakness
that I walk, not knowing where to go
a gentle voice to lean upon
makes me feel like home

because nothing makes sense
you hating me, what I've become
me wishing that we had never begun
we are like two now, walking alone
it is not like we wanted this
or that we wished these moments unsung
now you don't see me but somehow you know
and I long for the moment

we are two lost now, alone
but somehow I know
somehow we know...





February 1, 2016
two thousand and sixteen with the first of february

hold me heart

oh hold me heart
hold on to me,
fight
for I think I have fallen
such an unsettling sight


when was the last time
I felt your breath upon
my neck
your kiss upon
my lips
your love in every
part of my soul
only my heart knows
the pain that I feel
hold me heart









January 30, 2016

Thread

I feel like it's just a thread

That I'm clinging to

Just a thread and I'm

Gonna learn to get over you 

Eventually

One two weeks go by

I'm hanging my hat,
it's out to dry, I'm learning
to fly..

And I feel like it's

Just a thread

That binds me to you

Just a thread

but  I still love you

If I could take back time

I think I never would have
lost my mind

If I could take back time I

Never would have

Lost your mind

My mind

Cuz I  feel like it's just a thread

That I'm clinging to

Just a thread

and I'll never get over you

January 2016!
Happy New Year everybody!

I am nothing without you

I am parched and like the 

lonely dove cries in the night

I ask you wait

wait for me

A Difficult Decision

I tried to say no

but the words wouldn't come

all I could do was stumble

on my tongue

I pushed you away and

turned to let go

but you grabbed me 

from behind

and said

they don't need to know

it had been awhile 

since you said it was over

I never stopped crying

I never wanted to be sober

I dreamed of your touch and

if we'd ever be together again

I couldn't trust you anymore

and never knew where you'd been

and now here you were

wanting me back like before

you said you were sorry

realized what you had done even more

I loved you so much

my troubled life so unkind

I struggled to be with you

wanting so badly 

for you to be the one

now here we stand

both broken in two

you reach out to me

and I ask myself

will I ever get over

wanting you

only once in our lives 

do we ever get a second chance

maybe it is time for us

and not just another

happenstance

If there is an answer 

for all what we've been through

then my heart 

is singing to me now

and once again

I can't help but

 choose 

you...

August 2015