Better than Nothing....

I'm not blaming anyone. It's just how the day started. I'm already in a place on Friday that I would rather not be. But, there I was, early and in my sanctuary.  I was even anticipating my day...wishing....day dreaming, while I gingerly applied my eye liner on my lower lid and then there it was. A banging on the door that made me yell, "shit!" I jumped and every bit of the contents of my makeup bag fell into the sink.

There was not a peep outside the door. I grabbed my stuff and shoved it into my purse, put my ear up to the door. Nothing. I opened it very slowly. Who knows what or who was on the other side. All the way open, silence.

I stepped out of the bathroom and walked around. There he was, standing with his back to me, around the corner....... I knew it...

"Well, good morning to you!" I said loud and clear. But he just stood there. For a moment I thought about him just standing there.

It was like this often.

I turned around and went to get coffee. When I came back, he was gone. Five minutes later he was back , animated and teasing me.

"Guess who made the coffee?"

"Um, let me guess.... it wasn't me... I make horrible coffee according to you."

"That's right, you do! Now, this coffee is good. Tell me it's not good."

I took a sip.

"Strong... too strong.." I made a face and put it down.

"See. I told you," he says as a matter of fact, "it's still better than yours...." He takes a sip of his coffee and pretends to be serious.

"I don't think so. I think it's like mud. I'm going to throw mine out." I pretend to get up.

We laugh because this is how our day goes, like the coffee, our day could be good or bad, busy or slow  and always like a roller coaster.

When I went outside a few minutes later he's hollering at me.

"What are you doing out here? You need to get inside."

"Don't tell me what to do. You don't know what I do."

"I do know what you do. I saw you over there, peering around corners, looking for me..."

"Hell no. You must be stalking me, because I wasn't looking for you....." I giggle.

He laughs. I know I have him now.

"It's time for you to recognize..." I yell at him as I turn to go inside.

He laughs again.

"Hey, why don't you find something to do. I know you have plenty of work." He's at my desk now.

"Shut up. You just don't stop!" I look up at him, smiling down at me.

"No, and I never will. Just do your work and we'll get along...."   His eyes sparkle and I see something in him. Something we share.

He lowers his voice...."Memories" he says, he touches the arm of my chair, being careful not to touch me.  

I smile. Yes, we have them. I want to touch his hand, but I don't.

He turns and walks away.

And now, I have a lot to do. But first, I day dream about something, still haunts me as we do this sort of dance every day. It is in this that I feel some sort of hope.....

Some days are harder then the others. Maybe today we'll decide to give it another try.... maybe not. At any rate,we have what we have for now....it's better than nothing...

Looking Back

I turned to see you

looking back at me

and I thought of all

the times you're lips touched mine

I smiled knowing that I 

was the only person in the 

room, who knew

And through out the months

that we were together,

I knew you even better

than you knew yourself,

I realized I was the one 

lucky person you chose to 

share yourself with and that we

were meant to be together

And as much as I tried to

forget

as much as I tried to let go, I

came to the conclusion that

when two people meet, who have

that most wonderful feeling that

they can't seem to let go of or

even want to let go of, that 

immeasurable bond that no matter

who or what, nothing can

tear them apart

When you have that

then you have love

And yet, we were

tearing each other apart

because alas, we had prior commitments

and having found each other quite

by accident, we never had

the time to figure out where 

we stood in this world

So you pushed me away

and as my heart broke, I dreamed

that our time would come again

I turn to see you 

looking back at me and though I know we

cannot be together now,

I know that what we have

is real. I see it in your eyes.

And even though I don't have you

I have you

April 2014

the longing

do you know

do you really know

have you felt

the dying ache inside

hours, weeks, and then some

nights and days

time the test

and still

I want you

I cry inside waiting

waiting for our love

to come back 

knowing it was there

all along

and yet

I'm so lost

in between

I'm holding myself

together

wanting you more each day

while I slowly melt

away

right from the start

how did we know

did you know?

I hold out my hand

and wait for you

to reach out

to me

and my hand feels

numb

waiting

while my heart knows

have you ever felt

the dying ache

inside

while we pretend

and time stops

and we wait

and we wait

April, 2014

Just One More Time

Just one more time

I don't wanna tell you lies

Just wanna be by your side

just one more time

Just one more kiss

I just wanna feel your lips

can't wait to see your smile

just one more time

You made my heart sing

never knew I could feel

this way again

Crying every night

waiting for someone

like you

never thought this

would ever come true

Just one more time

Just one more time

made me feel alive

made me wanna live

forever

made me wanna die

for you

Just one more time

March 2014

Chapter 5 - Temptations

December had turned into January and then into February. And somehow work had become bearable once again. Liz was enjoying the cool weather and enough distractions at work to bring about some sort of satisfaction from the normal, mundane and monotonous.

Old friends would take her out now and not embarrassed to be with her. After all, she had lost a considerable amount of weight and was at least, appearing to look better. She liked what she saw in the mirror, even if it was a bit saggy here and there.

And so, it was dinner with friends tonight where she would get the usual comments, wowo you look good! And must be a guy?? But there never was a guy and hadn't been one for quite some time.

She was at the restroom door when she got a tap on her shoulder, which made her jump, at least two feet.

"Geez! You scared the shit out of me!"

"Funny", he said. "what are you up to?"

"Dinner! Come meet my friends!"

"I'm with my wife, I'll bring her!"

She went into the restroom and met him coming out,  walked over to his table where he made quick introductions and then they all went over to her table.

Ramiro and his wife were fun, alive and kept everyone on their toes all night. Liz never had a better time. At the end of the evening, they all said goodnight but she needed to hit the restroom one more time, where once again she ran into him. He grabbed her.

"Thanks," and he hugged her.

She was startled again, but gave him a hug back. That's when he held her for a moment and sort of whispered in a low voice, " Are you ready for this?"

Of course she laughed and pulled away. She knew he was kidding.

There would be other times. Liz would need to be strong.  Afterall, he was twenty years younger then she, even if he was almost impossible to refuse. He was an extremely good looking man. Liz would have her day dreams but never gave it any serious thought. But there was something so intriguing about him. And even if she said no, she wanted to say yes. She would have to keep telling herself stories...he's married and way too young.....and I can't do this.....

Remains

You play that game

the one where you win

and I remain the same

It's always this and that

and who

you want to blame

making you not the winner,

who taught you how

to play this game?

When you kissed me

and I kissed you back

no need to make more of it

I was just passing time

what part of that

meant more

then 

any of this rhyme?

What you didn't and

never have gotten

lest you forget

which seemed more rotten

whether you were just

using me or

maybe just misbegotten

plans,

could it be

you were really falling in love...?

I tend to think 

the latter,

but maybe not

right then

So now,

you play that game

the one where you want

to win and I

remain the same

only trouble is

I know your name

and all the places

from which you came

I see through you now

and two

can play that game

And maybe this time

I'll win

while you can't help yourself

you,

remain the same....

March 2014

Miss You

Today, I

miss you 

more than anything

I miss you're touch

and your laugh

I miss your

crazy love

I miss

you.

If what you

say is true,

then I'll 

cry forever

and never ever

give up

on you

If what you say is true

And if I miss you

more than

anything

will you come

back to me

I won't ever

tell a soul

promise

or pretend

miss your

kiss, behind the corner

miss your lips,

in a dark room,

miss your love

where no one sees

miss you

now

miss you

then

miss you always

my one

and only 

miss you

when

March 5, 2014