3 - Weight

She reached into her pocket for a quarter. Ahh, there were two, almost enough to get a soda at the machine. But she discovered when she reached in, that her pocket was loose, not tight against her stomach as had always been in the past. Now, it was loose and she shook it around. Could it be she had lost weight? Enough to make her pocket flop?

Liz was on her lunch. Mostly, she never had lunch there, hating every minute she had to be there, she would go anywhere to get away and then buy some fast food and eat in her car. As she headed back to her office to get her purse to leave, she ran into Ramiro.

"Having lunch?" he asked.

"I am," she said in passing him.

"Have a good lunch!"

"I will!" But she only said it because she was trying to be nice. Somehow Ramiro always seemed to find her and she had to be pleasant to him because he was so nice. It's not that she was avoiding him. She just was not interested. Not interested in anyone or anything.

Thanksgiving had come and went. Liz had spent her's alone. Her two son's spent their Thanksgiving with their wives' families. She stayed home, watched some television and then fell asleep. She never even cooked.

Christmas was coming up. Ugh, the dreaded Christmas Party. Something she would have to do. There would be no way to get out of this one. Not this year. Everyone would be there and she needed to show that she was involved. It wasn't that she didn't like anyone. They were perfectly fine people. She was just done with her job. It was a good job, good enough place to work. It was just that she didn't see any future there and that went into all of her life. No future.

After work, Liz stopped by the store and tried on a couple pairs of pants. Sure enough, she had gone down a size. She celebrated by buying a new blouse too. The next day at work she wore her new stuff and actually felt good about it. One of her co-workers noticed too and complimented her on her new blouse. She felt just a tinge of good about it.

But, in her inbox was the dreaded Christmas Party Invite. She opened it with some trepidation. Dinner and Games.... at an adult game venue. She thought about that. Yes! The only thing good about that would be the games! She loved playing arcade games and video games! This would be fun! Now, you might wonder why Liz would enjoy these games... Her boys had taught her how to play these games a very long time ago and ever since then, she did enjoy them. She could actually see herself having fun here. Well, as much fun as she could.

2 - Getting to Know Ya'

Liz realized a long time ago that she was no catch. Her hair was too long, didn't trust any place that cuts hair. Somehow, they always got it wrong. She was overweight. But she thought the reason she had gained weight was to make herself unattractive to men. Which is probably closer to the truth. She had her share of failed relationships. I mean, what guy wants that, a big fat girl, whose hair looked like shit and she didn't give a shit about anything. Anything. She, basically had given up on herself and on anyone else. Men were just a problem for her, one that she would rather not deal with therefore didn't need in her life.

"So", he said with authority, " what do you think about Obama? I mean, I think it sucks that he says he's going to make changes because everyone knows that ain't gonna happen!" He was walking down the hallway, behind Liz, and looking straight at her.

"Oh, you're talking to me? Well, at least he's talking about making changes. That's better then Mit. By the way," she chuckled, " Mit. What kind of name is that?" She had stopped and was looking straight at him.

"Oh yeah, make fun," he said, as he walked up to her. "We'll have to continue this debate, but I can tell you, Romney's gonna' win..."

"Oh," she spit like a moter boat, " that's not ever gonna' happen!" And she laughed outloud like as if to laugh in his face at his stupidity. He walked past her and smiled.

It was like that every day, until the elections. Ramiro would seek her out and just pounce on her with some political diatribe that she thought was so right, he had to be a Republican. But that was okay because it seemed to be all in fun. He never got mad and he laughed at her and with her and it had been so long that any man, any guy had even looked at her, she was actually glad that he cared enough to talk to her. Even though she did not give a shit, she wasn't dead. She did like conversation and did appreciate when someone took the time.

By the end of the next two weeks their debate had become the "office debate". Everyone had heard them in the halls and now everyone else was talking about who would win and who was better. They all seemed to take up sides. And then it was over. Obama won. Everyone shut up. Back to the way it was, with no one talking to each other and for sure, not a single person talking about politics, where before, if you even mentioned something political it was sure to cause a fight. All quiet on the Western Front.

"Do you have a picture of yourself?" he said as he walked into her office. She was sitting at her desk.

"Huh?"

"Yeah, I don't know what I'm thinking...." he turned around and started back out. " I just need a picture, maybe when you were younger." And then as an afterthought, " never mind, if my wife saw it...  I don't know what's wrong with me! I'm having day dreams about fifty year old women.."  his voice dropped off as he headed down the hall.

Liz sat there for a moment, taking in what he had just said. Then she laughed out loud knowing that it was just all a joke and he was just humoring her. After all, Ramiro had to only be in his early thirties. Could not even remotely be interested in her. Not in the least bit. Not ever.

Chapter 1 Or is it??

It was September, or thereabouts. All the end of summer stuff was coming to a close. Soon, Thanksgiving and Christmas would be right around the corner. She couldn't wait for it to be over. Another crummy year with nothing getting any better. Time took it's toll on her. She was not getting any younger and had saved herself for what? Two failed marriages and being out of shape and in her mind, not attractive enough for any man. It was all down hill for her. She never even thought about another man nor even wanted one. She thought of herself as retiring and being alone. Thank God.

Friday. Time to get along. Time to go. Time to plan for the weekend. No time for this or that. She couldn't wait to leave her job and go home. At least at home she could hide. No one to make her do things. No one to try to get along with, compromise with. No phones ringing. Ahhh, quiet and peace. There was nothing missing. Just time. All the time, time missing. When could she quit. When would it be over. She would need to plod through a few more years. All miserable years, she thought.

When she bumped into him he was walking backwards, she was watching her feet as they looked rather large in those boots she just got. Wham! She plowed her tooth into his shoulder.

"Ouch", she rubbed her cheek and tried to pretend it didn't hurt at the same time.
"Oh sorry, I didn't see you, are you okay?"
"I think I bit your shoulder, but yeah, I'm okay."
He chuckled and put out his hand.
"I'm Ramiro."
"Liz", she said, grabbing his hand.
"Nice to meet ya'! Maybe we'll bump into each other again sometime.."

That was it. That was the day that everything changed. Well, not that day, but every subsequent day after became something, which she didn't even know how or why or what and the least of it was that... well, I'll tell you later.... much later.

5:0' Clock and she was out the door. Let me out of here, this shit hole. Ugh, she said to herself. As soon as she got home, she turned on the television, wrapped herself up in a blanket and fell asleep on the couch. It was morning before she finally took off her work clothes.

Untitled

She was drawn to him.

And despite the ever-changing 

world around them,

despite the unpredictability

of their lives;

she could not forget him

or get him out of her head.

She thought the time away

would do them some good,

he with his and

she with her's.

But as time came nearer

to the moment

they would see each other

again, 

she began to anticipate

all the love that

she had missed.

It was now consuming

her.

She would dream about him

at night and

crave him during the day.

And it would seem as though

he had taken her soul.

There would be no respite

for her

as time was not her friend.

She wanted his kiss,

his voice and

every part of him. 

And she wondered how this

ever came to be.

They were so different

and yet so much alike.

Their fateful meeting 

had paralyzed them and

they couldn't move past

what they had found, 

for love knows 

no boundaries.

Love has no rules.

Did he think he could

forget her - make her

go away in his mind?

He was hopelessly, forever

trapped in her

magical spirit 

that seemed to take

them far far away

where they were 

forgotten.

It would be a greatest love story.

December 2013.

Crashing

I'm crashing,
not that kind, the kind where you know
it's done
it's down to the
difference between
him or me and
whose going to
hurt more,
whose going to
give in
I don't even know
where to go
from here

I'm crashing,
each day gets harder
to live and
I wake with
 dread, an
awful feeling that
I might die today
tomorrow or
right in his arms
if I'm ever there
again

I'm crashing
and trying not to cave
into my runaway
emotions
that have a
stranglehold
on my heart and
a noose
around my soul

I gulp another sip
of something that
helps me not feel
or think or
even want to
want you
not ever
not tomorrow
not now
not until after the
end of time

I'm crashing and
one of these days
one these weeks
pretty soon
I will have a reason
to let go
and stop loving
and wanting
you so

desperately I fill
my mind with so
much shit that I
don't
know where I am
from day to day
week to week
and I'm thinking
......


if I loved you any less
would you then
have loved me more?

I'm just frickin' crashing


December 2013

It Was Lovely

I was okay five minutes ago

well, yah,

someone told me a  joke

and I was like,

yeah, make me

laugh and shit

but that was six minutes

and ten seconds ago

and alot has

changed

since then

like now I'm worlds away

and light speeded

to another planet

somewhere

I thought I told you

what I meant to say

was it's over

that's all I have to say

that was seven minutes 

and who gives a shit

how much and or

why or what the?

I mean

who really cares?

Like my happiness depends

on some precarious

misnomer

of this some guy

or something or other

person

that is hurting

my 

hurting me

and I can't seem to stop it

him, or make

the hurt

 go away

See ten minutes ago, 

I was happy and

now all hell

shit has come lose

and the happiness

or so-called

is not really there

and I'm feeling

like I'm lost

really lost

It could have been five minutes or five months

I don't know anymore

since he told me

it was over

one minute I'm

good

and the next

I'm on the floor

(it's worse then dying,

you ought to try it)

I keep thinking back

no better not

do that

could be a good

thing or not

and since I'm not

sure then

it's best not

to go there

five minutes ago or five months ago

just best not to go

Nothing seems to be 

working right now

the tears just keep

coming and

there's no saving me

I can't think of anything

else that might or

might not be funny

so I'll just

say

It was only five minutes,
but it was 

lovely......

December 2013

Love Come Again

I see you standing there

all alone and barely

where

you want to be or

even where you

want to stay

I tried to let you see

we belonged together

and we

could have been so

ready for this

and then 

I look into your eyes

and  

know this was

never meant

to be

Then you tell me 

 without words 

tell me stories

that I 

that I've never heard

and without worry

or regrets

I fall back into 

you and with

all my heart I say

lets

I should have skipped 

this part

I should have

loved you more

I should have

kissed your lips then

I should have

let our love

soar

from the highest

mountain

to the

what's that street's

name

front door

I see you standing

there

and I know

that this love

has come again

and I can't

help my 

heart singing

loud and unabashed

and or how much

I want you

how much I want you

how much I ache for you

coming

back

once again

December 2013