Code of Silence

we pass each other like strangers
you nod and then I nod back
as if a code of silence has taken us
and words are measured and kept
count of to be used against us
at a later time ...

I look for something in your eyes
a glint, or sparkle,  that tells me you
still feel the same.. but all I get is
a glance and then you look away and
I'm left with nothing but the calculating
nod....

I pretend the day is good to me
watching the clock and talking
about things that do not let me think and
that are not too deep or profound
or God forbid thoughts should wander in
my head and I think about nothing
but you instead....

but I'm lost and alone and don't
know what you're thinking or
why you're so polite and say,
"thank you" twenty times to me
or " take care of yourself" at the
end of the day; as if I were
the janitor.

I don't know if this is on purpose
or just out of spite or that we
lost our way or that we had
a fight
I don't know why I hurt so bad
inside and cannot tell you that
in spite of what you said I'm
not still mad...

and then another day goes by
and all I want to do is remember
the way it was and not think
about the way it is or how we
got here... I can't imagine any
more like this or this way I can't
imagine that you're still making
me pay...

when you used to say my name
it rang like bells in the air and
you said it over and over as if
your love was wrapped up in it
  ....and maybe it still is
but it's beginning to be another
dreadfully painful day
and no more then a sentence or
two about coffee and something
about the gum stuck on the
bottom of my shoe

but you didn't nod today, thank God,
 and I think I heard you say my name
under your breath when you
walked away, you whispered it
 low and my heart slowed
as I turned towards you but
you were already gone....

maybe tomorrow you'll say something
more  ..maybe tomorrow you'll want to
tell me what has happened to us and
me and you and why I'm
talking to the walls when I should
be talking to you...

and maybe tomorrow, we'll have
another answer for this wretched
web we're in...this quagmire of
illusion, this romantic confusion ...the
way it all fits together yet pulls us
apart...so complicated and yet
simple...

until then, I won't wait for you
in the morning dew, I won't kiss
you softly when the day is through
I won't look for you, or wait to
hear you call my name, I won't
wait for the silence to end...
But maybe somewhere, sometime
we can see this thing through
open up our hearts and
meet and start
anew

until then.....




July 2013

ramblings and meaningless words: Love At All Cost

ramblings and meaningless words: Love At All Cost: It's not what you saw or seen it's not what you had in your head it's never the way it seems at times it seems all but dead ...

Love At All Cost

It's not what you saw or seen
it's not what you had in your head
it's never the way it seems
at times it seems all but dead

love is not easy like that
nor is it something to find
it's more like a symphony
the building of a beautiful music kind

Even if your heart takes for granted
all the love that you gave
your head will try to warn you
make sure you're well aware....

and just when you think you have it
could be just your state of mind
of a love lost forlorn soul
that sees all but the truth he finds

For love is the greatest illusion,
yet is honest and real
but try to put it in a bottle
it becomes all so surreal

then watch it slip through your fingers
as it makes it way to your heart
and forms a perfect arrow
that gives you a painful start

it's not what she says
it's not what he does
it's not how you feel
it's not what it was

it's not tears that you cry
makes you want to lay down and die
it's not gut-wrenching hurt that you feel
makes you wish for your last meal

it's tearing and ripping your soul into two
it's shredding your heart and
makes you feel like the only fool
it's wishing for more and never wanting it to end
it's loving him more then you could ever pretend

what is love
is it all what we know
can we find it in you
is it something to bestow
do we learn it from heaven
our hearts overflow
did I take it for granted
did you think I too slow
Did we not reach for the highest
and fall short our grasp
did we not love from the farthest
and let go of our past.......

Did I forget where I was
did you allow me to be lost
did you measure my words
Did you love me at all costs......



July 2013

I Got You

I see you sitting across from me,
with all your confidence and bravado
poking fun at me and making me
feel quite stupid for the dumb
stuff I said about you. I watch you
as you pull your head back and
stroke your neck, and then you look at
me sideways cocking your head
You think I don't know what's in
your mind and you think you have
me fooled that you're not that into me
as you casually laugh and then stare
at me as if you could see right through..

When you walk into the room, you
look around to see whose
watching you saunter over but you never
catch me looking at you as you try to find
me first but don't want me to know because
you don't want anyone to know... yet how
is it that everyday, you look for me and
wait for me, and measure my every step
as I approach you only to give me
that big welcoming smile...and then walk
away... pretending not to see

You just keep on pretending honey
and you keep playing your games
I'll keep on walking and talking your
same old same old same... because
you hide it well my friend, but I
see straight through you...
You trying to tease me about this boy
and that guy don't think I don't know
you just want me to say how
I'm head over heels for you

And every day, when we see each other
you wait for me while pretending to be
interested in something else when all
you really want is to get near me. I know
 how much you want me
to be alone with me, to casually
adore me while making no commitments
on your part because you don't want
me to know that you can't stop yourself....

I already know all this as you sit there
across from me, making faces and
judging what I say, all cocky and
resolute. Thinking that your flattering me
with your meer presence. Thinking that I don't
know the fact that you got it bad
baby and after putting me through all
this, if you think  I'm going to let you
down easily, you got a lot more thinking
to do...


You must understand, the way this
works, you so busy over there avoiding
me, but looking for me, running towards
me, yet running away. You must think
I'm crazy that I don't see you falling
every minute of every day...  You
must think I'm lost and all alone, well
baby I got you, I got you good. And
I'm the only one who knows..

One of these days, I'll catch you
off guard, when you're trying so hard to
look away, only I'm going to surprise you with
something you never thought I'd do
and then we'll see what happens.
 You think you got me fooled,
but the only one you're foolin' is you...
because I got you babe, I got your
heart right here and there's no way I'm letting
go...

I see you sitting there, so strong and sweet
when I look into your eyes, I see how
much you care... you may think you have me
and maybe you do, but I know I got you,
I got you too. We pretend every day
and I kind of  like that too. But there's no
one for me other then you.

You and me
playing this game, learning so much about you
and you learning too...
I see you watchin' me, making me
feel so good. I see you and
I know it's for real...just as long as I got you
I know we'll be okay because
it's not just this and that
it's so much more and I
all I know is
I love you....
and I got you good.

 



July 2013

Breathe You In

I am so lost right now and
my mind is so confused the
one thing I thought was real and
true, doesn't seem to be there
I miss you

I try to remember the curve of
your smile when you liked what
I said and it brings me back to
where we were... yesterday
I'm so strung out on you

All the things I said I
meant and everything I did, I
did for us you were always
on my mind and in my heart
and I can't stop thinking
about you

oh how a weakness comes
over me, I want to see you wherever
you are, I want to hear your voice making me
melt like ice cream on a hot summer day
your arms so strong around me
you whisper in my ear and I
breathe you in......

I feel your touch, oh so soft
on my leg as you move me closer
and take my face in your
hands kissing my eyes and nose and
inch your way down my neck and I
I take a deep breath and ....
breath you in...

Baby, you have to believe that our
love comes along once in a life time
not for those who don't care or for
those who don't know how to love
again,  and
even though you're not with me
now, just know that I love you
every part of you;  and I'm sorry for
what I said and what I did
and all I want to do
is just....
breath you in
again  .......



July 2013

And It Hurts So Bad

I guess I was wrong
about you
I guess when you told me
that you trusted me and
you had my back
you didn't really mean it
and it hurts so bad

I guess I was wrong
about you
when you told me all
those sweet things
that made my heart
open up and feel again
when you told me that
you loved me but didn't really
mean it
and it hurts so bad


I guess I was wrong
when I told you I loved you
because you didn't really listen
and you tell me that you
don't believe me now
I guess I was wrong

my love my love my love
you made me see that
two people could find
their way and
learn to love each other
and stay together
and no baby, you didn't
tell me that you wouldn't trust me
no you never told me that

and you never told me
that your words would be
empty and you didn't mean
a single one of them

But most of all, when I told
you I loved you, it was
straight from the heart
and the fact that you don't
believe me, the fact that
you don't want to believe
me, makes me wonder
because your the best
thing, the best thing
that ever happened
to me

So I just wanted you to know
I'm sorry that you've lost
all faith in me, in our love
in our world that we built
I'm sorry that you didn't see
the real me.
I gave you everything I had
and you're still telling me
that you don't trust me
I'm so heart broken
but I can't change your mind
I just gotta let it go
and more then anything
else... it hurts so bad

I guess you could say
I'm really the sucker,
because everything I told
you everything I said and
everything you told me and
everything you said....
is gone...and all because
and all because
of one thing one
thing....
I loved you
and it hurts so bad....




July 2013

He's Cool Like That...

I see you comin' with your hat pulled down
So you think you can just do that
and nothing or nobody's going to notice
or even care that you do that
But I do

If you're thinkin' that your so incognito
I just want you to know
I saw right through you and believe me
I know but you're thinkin' nobody's
going to notice
But I do

You got that swagger when you walk too
all suave and cool
thinkin' that the girls will swoon
and that nothin's going to come of it
and no one will care what you do
But I do

Yeah, you're cool alright, so cool
your voice is like butter
and you're thinkin' you can sweet
talk anyone, and that no one is
going to care,
But I do

And I see you smilin' out the side of your mouth
and your teeth are pretty and your lips
so sweet, but you're thinkin' I don't see you
you're thinkin' no one cares
You're thinkin' your alone in this world
and all you want is someone to hear
But I do

Go ahead, boy, try all that on me
see, I'm a girl that's fait accompli
you can try all your tricks on me
ain't nobody gonna get me
and I don't care whose watchin'
or if you care,
Boy, you better get it together
if you want me to be there.

See, when I make up my mind
oh, you will be mine
you're too weak to stop me
and I'm not just going to sit around
and watch you waste your time
so, all your jivin' and walkin' and
talkin' and smilin' thinkin' that
nothin's going to come of it
You better watch yourself
cuz baby, I will
I most definitely will....



July 2013

You and I

You and I

It's sad how we just muddle through
neither one of us
wanting to give up or give in
or know what to do

And each time I see you
I fall madly again

You and I
we drift and crash and all
we feel, all we love, all we know
is wrapped up in that
first  hello
and both of us
to stubborn to let go

Somehow you want me to wait
and I'm trying, my love
but it's so hard to watch
you crash and burn
I can't stand to see you cry
can't stand to see your eyes
Can't stand to see the hurt

You and I
we muddle through
you wanting me to wait for you
me wanting so much of you

And all I can ever think of is
all I ever yearn for is
all I ever dream of is

when will
we ever begin



You and I

You and I




July 2013